~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?