~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Smooooooth
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
so this horse walks into a bar
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.