Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
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If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Meanwhile in Portland…
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is