[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
uncle dave has been through hell
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.