(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Basketball
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!