LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.