Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
A roof is a house hat.