Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done