I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.