*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
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Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown