Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
Ah..makes sense now
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/