Google reviews are always so mixed..
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“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.