I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Anime is real
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!