Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
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Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
584.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Found the job I’m suited for
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.