Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
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Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Brother?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Bless you
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury