@HeyItsMartty: Lmao cmon
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@704919828: Apparently googling "how to get suspended with pay" from my work computer is frowned on by my employer.
@markleggett: A bird in the hand is worth nothing and is probably giving you duck AIDS. Put it back.
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.