@just1fool: Beer:"You know what would be funny?" Me:"No. What?" Beer:"Really? Finish me and have four more then I'll ask again." Me:"Yes, sir."

@Thynebear: Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat. "Wear something that doesn't show stains" [5 hours later] How was your date? She hated my poncho.

@jonnysun: bill cosby's full name is "bill sinby over tanby"

@Lola_Areola: Four year olds can't even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

@TheTweetOfGod: Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.