Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
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I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?