Lmao the reply
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Are we there yet?…
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist