lmao
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Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
How to woo a woman
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.