[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?