If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?