Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
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“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
That’s easy for you to say
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.