Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one