LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
These aren’t even hard anymore.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude