Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
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Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
beware of dog
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
I think we should hear other voices.