This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?