Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*