Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
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Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.