I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I’m giving up ice.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
hmmm
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Green is just blue that someone peed in