@MeganGetsMoney: Logged out of Twitter for a few hours... Finally graduated college, lost some weight, showered, read 17 books, and started a family.
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@murrman5: *sniffs date's hair* [later on in ambulance] "no, it's my fault for not mentioning I'm allergic to japanese cherry blossoms"
@pmclellan: So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
@ohpeetie: [ during job interview ] - "Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?" - "I give up, why?"
@holypurgatory: A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.