A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
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I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”