Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
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Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats