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@murrman5: [wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] "he looks like you" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
@djdarrellripley: Me: I forbid you to go! Her: What was that? Me: You heard me! I said, "I'd really appreciate it if you'd reconsider!"
@squirrel74wkgn: I'm a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.