I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
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Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.