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@Lisabug74: A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
@therealeatwood: [Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we “synchronize our cycles.”
@AndrewNadeau0: ME: Onions make me cry. HER: It's from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide. ME: I think it's probably cuz an onion killed my parents.