*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
You Might Also Like
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Labreador
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
#Thanos #MondayMood