I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
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me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET