LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
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Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.