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@WilliamAder: Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
@TheToddWilliams: Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
@SirEviscerate: [Lab] Co-worker: "Where's all the microscope oil and acetic acid?" Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
@thedadonline: Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.