Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will