Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
S O O N
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.