[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
You Might Also Like
[Texts to 14]
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
Hey
[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
For the orator and chef in all of us
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Aight bet
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
I identify as an antique shop.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Jupiter
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*