lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
I have a black belt in leather
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.