“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I really had high hopes for this year though
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
no regrets
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.