LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
You Might Also Like
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
I love wikipedia
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.