LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
what it’s like dating me:
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?