Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
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*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me trying to reach for my goals
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week