“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.