Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
God has abandoned us.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
are they though??
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably