Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
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My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.