Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
You Might Also Like
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.