Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
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I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
me and my fake scenarios
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock